Dreams and Pineapple Smoothies
by Destiny JoRayne Adams
Summary: Tag to the Yin/Yang trilogy.  Shawn struggles with what happened and has doubts about Psych.  Rated T for disturbing imagery.


A/N: Not only is this my first _Psych_ fanfiction—I watched five seasons in two weeks, so I think I'm officially addicted—but it's also the first story that I have written in present tense. It was weird and difficult, but I did it!

Usual disclaimers apply. General spoilers for all aired episodes and major spoilers for the Yin/Yang trilogy. Beta's by Southpaw, who did a marvelous job! Oh, and brownie points to anybody who can guess what state I live in!

-000-

_All he sees is the remote in her hand. _

_She's talking, voice high and excited. Shawn has no idea how he is even here. Yesterday life was normal, and now he's sitting in a car with a serial killer and his mother's life on the line. _

_He has tried talking to her, reminding her that the only place she'll be headed is a padded cell, but she's crazy, locked in her own personal reality, not even seeing the one that was right before her eyes. As she talks, sometimes her finger inches toward the button that will end his mother's life, and he can't help but tense until her finger moves away again._

_He grits his teeth as she prattles on; the crazy chick is playing with him as if he's a mouse with no willpower and he hates it. He's at a loss as to why he had been picked for this game and he's angry that he can't seem to stop it. _

"_Shawn," her tone is sing-song, "You're not paying attention. That hurts my feelings." This time when her finger moved toward the button, he did hear the explosion. _

Shawn jerks awake, senses flailing as they sort dream from reality. He's sweating and breathing hard as he takes in where he is. Everything is fine, he's home, everybody's safe.

He hasn't dreamed of Yang in a long time, but he isn't surprising that the latest fiasco with Yin opened some cans of worms that Shawn would prefer to remain close. He's been having dreams ever since Yang killed Yin.

He sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed as he switches on a lamp. He lets his eyes roam around his apartment trying to clear his head of the dream. He grabs his phone off the nightstand, already dialing Gus before he realizes what he's doing. He ends the call, not sure if he wants to talk to Gus even though he knows that his best friend probably isn't handling what happened any better than what he is.

His gaze lands on the paper bag with the words _For Shawn _written on the side. The bag holds the video diaries that Mary had made before he died. Shawn doesn't even know why he grabbed the bag from his dad's to begin with, but he stands and opens his closest in search for an old VCR player that he knows is there, buried somewhere under five years of junk.

It's a while before he gets it all hooked up, but he knows that he's not going to get anymore sleep anyway. And for some weird reason that he doesn't care to explore, he feels like he owes it to Mary. He puts in a tape, grabs a beer from the fridge and settles on the couch with the remote.

_Well Shawn, I just finished watching all three of _The Pirates of the Caribbean _movies and I get why they were such a big thing a couple of years ago. Johnny Depp was fantastic in those! Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was as good looking like he is, and I had girls lining up to date me. Of course, you probably know what that's like; it's not like you or Guster ever had a problem picking up the ladies. I wonder if you have started dating Detective O'Hara yet, you've got to know that she's totally into you. _

Shawn watches the tape until it's over, sometimes marveling at Mary's intelligence, cringing at what he's wearing, and shoving down the growing feeling in his gut that's screaming that it's all his fault. He switches out the tape for the next one, grabs another beer and watches until he falls asleep.

He is awakened sometime later by a pounding on his door. It's light outside and way too early to be awake, so he groans and wishes the noise away.

"Shawn, I know you're in there! Open the door!" It's Gus, and Shawn knows he won't go away until Shawn lets him in. He gets up and shuffles to the door, shutting off the TV as he goes.

"Gus, what are you doing here so early, the chicken hasn't even crowed yet," Shawn greets and he opens the door wider to let his friend in.

"That's a rooster, Shawn. And I'm here to pick you up, why else would I be here?"

"Why? Do we have a case?"

Gus shakes his head, "No, we have a meeting with Chief Vick, remember?"

Shawn doesn't, but he heads to his bedroom to pull some clothes on. When he comes back into the kitchen, Gus hands him a pineapple smoothie and gestures to the two beer bottles sitting on the floor by the chair. "Rough night, Shawn?"

"Nope, slept like a baby," he lies as he takes a sip of the smoothie. He looks at Gus. "Are you okay, buddy? You look terrible."

"Shut up, Shawn!" Gus rejoins, "And I'm fine."

Shawn doesn't say anything, just stares at Gus until he breaks.

"So, I might have had some bad dreams last night," he admits. He waits for Shawn's witty response, but is surprised when Shawn doesn't say anything. "Are _you _okay?"

Shawn doesn't answer at first and when he does, his gaze is fixed on a spot above the sink. "Maybe I never should have started Psych." Shawn says it so quietly, that Gus almost misses it, and then it sinks in.

"Wait, what?" Gus manages, but Shawn is already out the door. When they reach the parking lot, Gus unlocks the door. "What did you mean that you never should have started Psych, Shawn?" He asks as he pulls away from the curb.

"Do you know that in North Dakota, January is the coldest month? The average temperature is fifteen degrees below zero, Gus. Can you imagine living there?"

"No I can't, Shawn and you're avoiding the question," Gus answers. He doesn't understand what's going on. Shawn has never been one to dwell on the past, he's always too busy getting into trouble in the present.

"I mean, seriously, thirty degrees is cold, can you imagine fifteen degrees _below _zero?"

Gus sighs and gives up. He knows that Shawn isn't going to talk until he decides it's time. Getting the truth out of Shawn is a process of dodging bad jokes, random facts and sarcasm, but Gus knows Shawn better than anybody. He would talk eventually.

The meeting with Chief Vick goes smoothly as it's just a debriefing on Yin and Yang. Both Shawn and Gus had already been in to give their statements and all that is left is tying up loose ends. Shawn can't say how glad he is that the whole mess is just over and done with. 

As they leave Chief Vick's office, Lassiter comes barreling down the hallway toward them, his face nothing less than murderous. "Spencer, can I have a word with you?" It's phrased as a question, but there is no doubt that saying no isn't really an option.

"Sure Lassie, what's up? Got any cases that you're stuck on, 'cause Gus and I are just hanging—"

"No, Spencer, and I want to talk to you alone." Lassiter turns around and heads for one of the interrogation rooms. Shawn glances at Gus, shrugs, and follows Lassiter, motioning Gus to come along as well.

As the two walk into the room, Lassiter glares at Shawn. "Do you not know the meaning of _alone?" _

"Oh come on, Lassie. It's not like I won't turn around and tell Gus anyway so you might as well spare me from wasting my breath."

"Fine," Lassiter says. "I'll make this short. I know that you and Detective O'Hara are seeing each other and I can assure you that if you do anything to hurt her, I will take my pistol, point it at your head and pull the trigger. Is that clear?"

Shawn laughs and turns to Gus. "Did you hear that Gus, Lassie just threatened to shoot me." He faces Lassie again. "That's adorable."

"It's not the first time, Shawn," Gus says. "And I'm pretty sure he's serious."

"What? No. Lassie knows that he has a deep feeling of affection for me; he just has trouble expressing it, that's all. Lassie, didn't your mother ever tell you that it's perfectly okay for a man to be honest with his feelings?"

Lassiter leans in closer, forcing Shawn to look at him. "I am not joking around, Spencer. You hurt her and I will hurt you. O'Hara is not one of your conquests that you can play with until you get bored and then brag about it to anybody who will listen. And so help me, if you treat her like that I _will_ shoot you." With one last glare, Lassiter turns and walks away.

"Wow, he is not happy," Gus remarks.

"No, really? What gave you that idea, Gus?" Shawn heads for the door and holds it open to let Gus out before letting it slam shut. "I wonder how he found out."

"Shawn, you guys can barely keep your hands off each other, much less your eyes. And Lassie is the Head Detective, I'm sure it wasn't hard for him to figure out."

"Yeah, I guess. Jules is going to be so mad; she's the one that insisted that we not tell Lassie."

"I'm pretty sure you were the one who didn't want to tell Lassie, Shawn."

"I remember it both ways," Shawn says flippantly.

"Where to now?" Gus asks as they climb into the car.

"Just drop me off at the office," Shawn says, noticing for the first time how tired he really is. Gus notices it too.

"Are you feeling okay, Shawn?"

"Yes, I'm fine, what is that, like, the fifth time you've asked me that?" Shawn snaps before he can help himself, but Gus just ignores it.

"It's only been the second time, Shawn, and believe me, you look like you haven't slept in a week."

"I'm fine, Gus." Shawn repeats.

"No, you're not fine. You're exhausted, you look like crap, and today you said that you never should have opened Psych. What's going on with you, man?"

Shawn doesn't answer, but stubbornly stares out the windshield. He's not sure why he doesn't want to tell Gus what's going on, because he's always told Gus everything. Ever since they had been six, Gus has been there through everything; his parents' divorce, his bike accident, every single argument he had with his father and every case he had solved since he started Psych. No one knew him quite like Gus did, but for some reason he still hesitates.

Gus doesn't say anything else, just pulls up in front of the office climbs out. He looks at Shawn expectantly.

"Dude, what are you doing? Don't you have to go work at your real job?"

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on, Shawn." Gus answers as he follows his best friend inside. Shawn sighs, but he knows that this is one battle that he's not going to win. It wasn't hard to get Gus to do something that Shawn wanted him to do, but there were the rare times when Gus would dig in his heels and nothing could make him move. This one of those times.

"We should have stopped to get another smoothie on the way here," Shawn stalls. "You can never have too many pineapple smoothies."

"Shawn." The downside to having a best friend who knows you better than what you know yourself is that Gus is familiar with all the stall tactics. Suddenly, Shawn doesn't have the energy to fight.

"Okay, you win." Shawn drops into his desk chair and runs a hand through his hair. "Remember a couple of years ago when we first heard of Yang?"

"Yeah, that crazy woman had us running all over the city trying to save a girl whose only crime was serving us food. And we did save her, Shawn." Gus reminds him.

"Yeah, we did. But Yang specifically asked for me, Gus. Me! Everything that has happened since then has been my fault. My mom almost gets blown to bits, Jules almost drops from the top of a building, Abigail almost drowns, and Mary died! Not to mention that Yin nearly killed you too, Gus! Between the two of them, almost everybody who is important to me has nearly died!"

"Shawn, you heard Yin, Yang has been obsessed with you since you were a kid! None of this is your fault, if you want to blame someone, blame Yang. She's the one who's crazy and in need of some serious help!"

"I know, Gus, but Yin said he had never even heard of me until I started working with the SBPD. If I hadn't drawn attention to myself, then Yang probably never would have come after me and none of this ever would have happened!"

"You don't know that, Shawn."

"Yes I do, Gus!" Shawn gets up and starts to pace in front of the desk. "Yin never would have gone along with Yang if I hadn't seemed like a challenge to him!"

Gus doesn't say anything for a while, just lets Shawn pace. He knows that Yin and Yang had really freaked Shawn out, and he's even aware that Shawn did blame himself, but he never would have guessed that Shawn would react this way. "Shawn, do you remember what I said right before Yin was about to inject me with that syringe?"

Shawn rolls his eyes. "Of course I do, Gus. Photographic memory, remember?"

"I was serious back there, Shawn. I don't have any regrets. When you first asked me to open Psych I gave it two weeks, a month tops before you got bored and found something else to do. But Shawn, you haven't stopped. You finally found something that you're good at and you love doing it. Doesn't that count for something?"

"But that something involves lying to the police, to Juliet and if anybody ever finds out that I'm not really a psychic, I'll be arrested for fraud and thrown in jail."

Gus looks at him for a minute before breathing a laugh. "You know, it's scary when you start sounding like me."

"I could never sound like you Gus, don't even mention such a horrible thing," Shawn retorts automatically and can feel some of the tension leave the room. Shawn can't imagine his life without Psych anymore. It's been almost six years since he started the agency and he finally feels like he's actually doing something with his life, that his life finally means something.

It's not that he wants to close Psych but he never thought that pretending to be a psychic could get him and the people he cared about the most targeted by two psychopaths.

"Shawn," Gus says, drawing his friend's attention back to him. "I meant _everything _I said back there. It's not your fault, Shawn, none of this is."

Shawn isn't stupid. Logically, he knows it's not his fault. And he knows that though there is a possibility that never starting Psych would have prevented all of this, but closing Psych would not change the past. He sighs. "You're right, Gus."

"Of course I'm right, I'm always right," Gus responds. "Now I've got my real job to take care of," he turns and heads for the door, before stopping and turning back. "Are you going to be okay, Shawn?"

Shawn nods, "Yeah, I'll be fine." He watches as Gus drives off before reaching into his pocket for his phone. He needs to call Juliet and tell her about the conversation he had with Lassiter at the station.

-000-

_He's running. _

_He is in a house that he doesn't recognize and he knows that Yin is here too, looking for him. There are doors everywhere, some of them are locked; others open just to reveal a wall behind them or empty rooms with shadows dancing all along the walls despite the fact that there are no windows. He can hear Gus, and Juliet, and even Abigail, and he knows that Yin has them, that Yin is hurting them. _

_He runs from room to room, calling their names until his voice is hoarse, and he still can't find them. It seems that Yin is getting closer; his voice is always there, taunting him, challenging him. _

_He doesn't know how much longer he can go on. He is breathing hard and he can feel sweat trickling down his back. But he won't give up, he can't, they're depending on him. _

"_Shawn, the least you can do is get me out of here," it was a twisted version of Abs' voice, "Don't you remember that this is the reason that I broke up with you, so that I wouldn't die at the hands of some psycho?" _

"_Come on, Shawn!" Gus sounds angry, "I've _never _given up on you, and now you can't even return the favor?" _

"_Shawn," Juliet is crying softly, "Please help me, Shawn."_

_He tries. He opens every door he can, kicking down the ones that are locked. But it doesn't matter, because for as many doors that he opens, others appear in the never ending hallway. Yin is behind him, coming closer every second. _

"_Hold on, guys, I'm going to get you," he breathes as he kicks down another door. But this room isn't empty; instead he finds himself in Mary's living room, pi still written across the wall. Mary himself is lying in the middle of the floor, looking the exact way he had the last time Shawn had seen him. Blood covers his clothing and his dead eyes are looking right at Shawn. He tries to look away and finds that he can't. _

_He finds himself approaching the body and jumps when Mary head moves and he starts talking. "I tried to warn you, Shawn, but you just wouldn't listen and look what you did to me!" _

_Shawn feels the tears leaking from his eyes. "No, I did listen to you, Mary!"_

_Mary suddenly lifts himself up and his hand shoots out and grabs Shawn by the neck. "This is all your fault, Shawn! You killed me!" _

Shawn jerks awake, and stumbles out of bed to the bathroom. He flicks on the lights and stares in the mirror breathing heavily. He can see the evidence of tears in his eyes and he still feels the terror. He goes to grab his phone and this time he doesn't hesitate to dial Gus.

"Shawn?" Gus voice sounds like he just woke up, but he's not angry. "Are you okay?"

"Gus," he chokes out. "Buddy, I had this dream and I—" he tries to slow down, to catch his breath. "Gus, it was really bad, I need—" Shawn stops again, not even sure what's he's asking. The logical part of his brain is slowly starting to kick in and suddenly he feels embarrassed. Before he can say another word though, Gus says that he's on his way and disconnects.

Shawn looks at the phone in his hand. He still feels the afraid, but it's the embarrassment that he feels more keenly. He's a grown man, for Pete's sake, and it was just a dream.

He can't describe how relieved he is when Gus shows up at his front door, looking no worse for the wear and no trace of anger in his voice. He knows that Gus will never tell anybody about this, but he's also going to do everything he can to be there for Shawn because that's what he's always done.

"Dude, if you didn't bring me a smoothie there is no way you're coming in here."

"You're the one who called me here, Shawn." Gus replies right on cue.

After all, what else are best friends for?

_-3,324_


End file.
